When preparing for a baby, we all imagine how we think our births might go. This is based on what we’ve been told by health professionals, our own story of being birthed and the stories of women around us. We are all aware of the process of birthing to bring a baby safely into the world. We consider our choices around a vaginal delivery or a caesarean section and about who we want to be present at the birth of our baby.
Regardless of the mode of delivery, we are curious about what it will be like to meet this newborn baby that we have come to know throughout our pregnancy. Maybe we feel a sense of relief that the pregnancy has finally come to an end. We wonder what the baby will look like and we anticipate the joy and relief of holding this baby in our arms.
Not often though do we imagine our birth experience may deviate from these ideals – that we may experience physical or psychological trauma during the process and that this trauma can, in turn, negatively impact on our experience in that early postpartum period. Maybe the pregnancy ended too quickly resulting in loss or a premature delivery. Maybe we were too unwell to remember all aspects of our experience. Maybe instead of joy and relief in seeing our baby we felt nauseous or numb or a desire to be left alone. Maybe we didn’t get to hold our baby for a very extended period of time. Maybe others got to see our baby before we did. Significant time might have been spent navigating our way through NICU and Special Care Nurseries. Or maybe our voice wasn’t heard, wasn’t treated respectfully or our needs were somehow overlooked.
Women have shared with me their countless birth stories that have each been unique, yet hold a similar thread. Something went wrong. Sometimes terribly, terribly wrong. And this experience has continued to have an impact on them as they move forward in their experience of mothering.
“But it was a textbook birth” or “At least you have a healthy baby” – These unhelpful comments are what society tells us to focus on. But a baby and birth cannot exist without a mother. And a mother’s experience is the key foundation to the ongoing relationship that she holds with her baby. So let me tell you clearly, that it doesn’t matter if it was medically uncomplicated delivery. What matters in each individual birth experience is how you felt about what was happening. In therapy, we will explore your experience of thoughts and feelings during the birth, that others may or may not have been aware of. It is our own psychological experience that will determine whether a birth was traumatic – and given it’s the inner experience of the mother, only a mother can determine if she felt traumatised.
So, what can be done? We can’t go back and change a birth. When we experience trauma, often we become stuck or triggered by the traumatic experience. By working with a psychologist, we can gently reprocess that experience – not to erase a memory, but to allow the heightened emotion associated with the memory to decrease in intensity. Processing trauma can allow the mother space to honour her own experience. This frees up her energy and psychological defences so that she is not constantly trying to keep things at bay and can genuinely connect with the people and experiences in her life that bring her satisfaction, value and meaning. It is our honour to be able to sit alongside a parent as they process their trauma and to see the transformation that this work can do.