“I am safe. I am whole. I am home.”
I came across this beautiful mantra recently when I was reading Emily Nagoski’s book ‘Come as you are’ on the science behind sexual well-being. She describes how our bodies and minds respond to deep, primal messages regarding the need to feel safe, whole and at home. When we tune into these signals, we are more able to engage in ways to help us feel emotionally regulated, to find purpose in our lives, and to nourish and comfort ourselves. Yet, often when I work with clients in therapy, they tend to find themselves on the flip side of these evolutionary needs. A mother who is too anxious to leave the house with her newborn due to the fear of judgment when her baby cries in public feels at risk, not safe. Couples who cannot conceive or have experienced a devasting perinatal loss feel broken, not whole. And a mother who is drowning in sleep deprivation, identity adjustments and social pressures feels lost, not at home. It can be frustrating, this tug of war, in seeking safety, and a sense of belonging, but feeling frightened, shameful, and confused. It is terrifying, sometimes, to be so far from home. So how do you find your way back?
Well, that’s where I come in. In our therapeutic sessions together, we will discover ways for you to feel safe, whole, and home again. In our first session, I will invite you to share with me your story. For me to help you find your road home, I need to understand where on your journey things became challenging and difficult. I will listen with a kind heart and an open mind. As you detail your narrative, I will weave in questions about your current concerns, your day-to-day functioning, your current and past social relationships, and your family and developmental history. But I will not push you to tell me things you are not yet ready to disclose. Safety and trust can take time to build, and there is no rush to get you home by a certain time – we just need to get you home.
At the end of the first session, we will spend some time identifying how, when, and why you got off course and we will discuss some plans for your roadmap home. These plans include what roads you want to travel to get home (so what sorts of things we need to address in therapy – e.g., mood, relationship issues, health issues, trauma, loss) and then what sort of transport we need to get home (so what sort of therapeutic tools and approaches might be helpful to address these things). This is your journey home but I will be your travel companion so we will come up with a plan together.
One mode of transport that I have found to be helpful in working with perinatal clients is compassion focused therapy (CFT). CFT invites us to be sensitive to our suffering and then to act in ways to alleviate and/or prevent this suffering. Often though, we tend to act in ways that makes our suffering worse. Dr Kristin Neff, a researcher on self-compassion, poses this interesting question: “When hard things arise, how do we want to respond? By using a rawhide whip to beat ourselves up, or by placing a warm, cosy blanket around our shoulders to comfort us?” Many of us can relate to being self-critical – familiar messages of not being good enough, of being unlovable, stupid, and unattractive. We listen to it because we believe it spurs us on to achieve our goals. It is something we learn very young. But how helpful is it?
To illustrate this to clients I ask them, “Imagine you have a friend who is in the exact same position as you. She is struggling to adjust to motherhood, she feels she is letting her baby down, she is tired, angry, and confides in you that she is not enjoying being a mother. How would you respond to her? What would you say, and how would you say it?” Most of the time, clients confess, “Well I wouldn’t say what I would say to myself!” They then continue, “I would tell her that it is okay to feel that way, that motherhood is tough sometimes and that she is all that her baby needs.” I go on to prompt them, “And what tone would you use with her?”, and they reply, “I would speak softly, slowly and gently.” This is compassion – noticing her suffering and attempting to alleviate it. I then explore with clients what they would say to themselves in the same situation. It often sounds something like, “You are a terrible mother. Your baby deserves a better mother. You can’t be tired. You need to try harder. There is so much to do. You need to get on with it.” It is often accompanied by a cold and critical tone.
Does that critical voice make you feel better, or worse? Is it helpful or harmful? Something that will make you feel better and is helpful is a compassionate voice. That is because it is motivated by love, not fear. It might seem foreign because we are not really taught how to be self-compassionate. In our sessions together though, I will help you discover new ways to relate compassionately to yourself and to practise kindness and tenderness when hard moments arise. It will be your comfort ride to take you home.
But perhaps you might prefer or need another transport option home. Or maybe various transport modes. In therapy, I use other tools and approaches that are suited to your needs. These might include acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) strategies, such as exploring your values and how you would like to live your life (e.g., what kind of parent and spouse you want to be), and cognitive and behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques, such as challenging your thoughts so you can change how you feel. We might also use emotional regulation and mindfulness strategies, attachment theory to help improve your relationships, and reflection and safety tools to help you heal from grief and trauma.
But just as we are not in a hurry to get you home, it does not matter how we get you home. It is just important to me to help you find safety, feel whole again and to guide you back home.
“Home to where things do not hurt as much. Home to where she can feel in control of her life again. And feel safe. And feel joy.” (Karen Kleiman)
- Dr Janine Oostenbroek
Perinatal Psychologist Dr Janine Oostenbroek