Dianna Giles - Brisbane based Couples & Relationship Counsellor answers our commonly asked questions:
What are some the reasons people attend relationship therapy?
Couples come to relationship therapy for many reasons. I often find however, the presenting issue that is on the surface is only the beginning of the story, and throughout therapy we create an opportunity to explore, the’ unspoken’, ‘unresolved’ and ‘unmet need’. Some of the areas include;
· Parenting
· Division of Labour
· Communication
· Betrayal of Trust
· Family of Origin
· Values Differences
· Sexual Issues and Desires
· Grief and Loss
· To end a relationship.
Is it normal to feel anxious about attending your first couples counselling?
Most couples report to feeling anxious in attending their first session. Many couples do not know what to expect and may feel some ambivalence or apprehension about beginning the process. Often couples are worried about sharing personal feelings and experiences that can trigger vulnerability. Many couples are concerned about the therapist taking sides or judging them. It is important to remember that while it is normal to feel some level of anxiety, the first session is really a ‘get to know you’ or ‘information gathering’. It is designed for the therapist to get to know the couple, but equally as important for the couple to get to know the therapist. I view Couples Counselling as a Collaborative process that is dynamic and requires the couple to feel like they are an integral part of the process. The desired outcome at the completion of the first session is comfortability within the space and with the therapist, both members of the couple feel equally emotionally held via the therapist, that there are rules and boundaries set to ensure emotional safety outside of the session and that the treatment plan is representative of the what the couple was seeking to achieve.
Do you find that one person is more committed to the process of counselling compared to the other?
Couples come to therapy for many different reasons and that decision making to attend a couples counselling session can be out of crisis, ultimatum or desperation where the couple are not on the same page about repairing the rupture in the relationship. However, part the role of the therapist is to support the couple to work toward a shared goal and that does require commitment from all parties.
If you are at the point of attending couples therapy does that mean your relationship is doomed?
On the contrary I think attending couples therapy is a proactive step in the future health and well-being of your relationship. I think that couples navigate so many different stages and phases within their relationship over the years; for example, the Honeymoon period looks very different from the Adjustment to parenting period of your life. Couples respond well to developing a new skill set at different stages of their life and fine-tuning their ways of connecting. Couples therapy offers a unique opportunity to re-evaluate where they are in their life, re-define roles and expectations; re-establish trust, respect and communication strategies and re-connect in both emotional and physical intimacy.
What actually happens in the first relationship therapy session?
First session is basically a ‘Get to Know you’ and ‘Information Gathering’
· What was the reason for the appointment – what is the presenting issue?
· How your relationship started
· Milestones in your relationship
· Your individual history – Family of Origin
· What kind of Relationship do you desire?
· Your Strengths as a couple
Included also in the first session is identifying rules and boundaries for the couple. One of the most important rules is that each member of the couple needs to feel safe to discuss some difficult topics. That is, when a ‘hot topic’ is discussed in therapy there needs to be an agreement that this topic stays in the room. Ensuring emotional safety for couple is an integral part of this process.
Is there anything you would recommend for those contemplating couples counselling?
In my opinion if a couple is contemplating couples counselling there is already an issue that needs to be discussed. I would suggest doing your research to find a couples counsellor that suits your needs. And I would also suggest making it a priority to take the first step.
Can I receive a Medicare Rebate for Relationship Counselling?
No. Unfortunately there is no Medicare rebate for relationship therapy. If a member of a couple has their own mental health issues, they can obtain a mental health care plan from their GP to access Medicare rebates for individual therapy with another therapist, but rebates cannot be issued for couples sessions.
What led you to become a Couples Therapist?
Couples Therapy offers a unique opportunity to provide the emotional scaffolding for a couple as they begin to explore the issues that are no longer working for them, in a way that individual therapy can not address. It allows an opportunity for the couple to work together on re-establishing, re-evaluating, re-defining and re-connecting on a different level.
What do you enjoy about working with couples?
I enjoy working with a couple as they move from crisis to relationship resilience. I enjoy supporting a couple to move toward conscious intent in each interaction with each other rather than an unconscious impasse which is where many couples get stuck. I enjoy watching a couple re-connect with the versions of themselves that was present in the beginning of their relationship. I enjoy the process where couples begin to change their narrative to one of ‘teamwork’, shared meaning, shared goals, and shared dreams. I enjoy seeing a couple begin to engage with each other with curiosity and as desire to know more. I enjoy watching a couple evolve and be the couple they desire to be.
Do you have words of wisdom for those that are having conversations about couples therapy with their partners right now?
Words of Wisdom – I believe that we all want to feel valued, nurtured and heard in our relationships. And relationship dynamics change overtime. I think that given the business of life and many competing demands, couples are not always conscious about the subtleties of those changes where things become ‘unspoken’, ‘unresolved’ and our needs ‘unmet’. I think couples benefit from a shift in their mindset from less reactive toward crisis and more proactive about future planning in your relationship. I am a strong advocate for couples therapy and I think that couples benefit from therapy and learning new ways of communicating and connecting at any time of their relationship, not only in crisis.